The WeeWar Times

FORWARD
The originally scheduled piece “Bluffer’s Guide to WeeWar – Part 3″ has been laid aside on the grounds that it was simply “too rubbish for words” (thanks ed). Instead, the release the of new Flash version of the game has provided WeeWarTimes with the opportunity to commission some reasoned and incisive analysis amid disturbing scenes of disgruntlement, anger, and shock at the changes. Hoards of rabid protesters stand outside WeeWar Towers, and the sounds of pitchforks being sharpened, knees jerking, credit card companies being contacted, cats sleeping with dogs and other post-apocalyptic portents are thick on the air.

In the ensuing chaos we try to talk to people about the tragedy, as we step over the bodies of ex-subscribers piled high outside the gates. Here and there, figures can be seen shambling through the mist; bedside me a young man is in a fetal curl. muttering something disconsolate and incoherent, and sobbing quietly into the twisted rags of his “I Love Darkbee” T-shirt. Further along, some members of the WeeBitch clan are chanting protest slogans and writing letters to their local representatives. “I just don’t know why they did it” one blurts out to me. “Don’t they love us anymore? What have we done to deserve this? Why are the buttons in different places? Why have our gods abandoned us?” .

It’s a constant mantra, but occasionally we find signs of hope. We caught up with part-time player and pundit CaptainCupCake, known for his sanguine and laconic approach, who shrugged: “It’s not the end of the world is it? I like the changes, keep up the good works lads”. But this wholesome attitude seems a guttering candle of optimism amid the darkness of anger, guilt and despair.

The scale of the disaster has been unprecedented. Our hearts go out to the dozen or so players who have experienced loss and trauma. You’ll be happy to know that WeeWarTimes will be setting up a hotline for victims, and charity events (meat raffle, tombola, garden fete, and egg and spoon race) are being scheduled as we speak. We have five “We hate Flash” T-shirts for each lucky winner!

In the meantime, it’s clear that the development team behind the game could benefit from some sage advice from our in-house panel of experts, and for the swathes of players threatening to produce their own version of the game, we have something special for you: “A Bluffer’s Guide to WeeWar Development.”

BLUFFERS GUIDE TO WEEWAR DEVELOPMENT

0. Introduction
Want to write your own WeeWaresque game? It’s easy if you know how: all you need is this guide and a good computer with a nice, shiny, large screen (it’s important to have the right tools for the job, which is the main differentiator between the pros and amateurs and the talented and talentless). You’ll also need oodles of confidence – which shouldn’t be hard, since you’re the best person you know and you know you’re best. It’s surprising you’re not more popular than you already are. Besides which, writing a game like WeeWar is almost as simple as playing it (see previous guides for details).

Follow the steps below, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a god of your own gaming universe:

1. Goals
What are your objectives? How do you establish metrics for success? What is your business plan for commercial expansion and longevity? – are all questions which you can safely ignore. You know what’s wrong with the game, and you know how to make it right. Without pony-trading, 14 different sorts of destroyer and the “sheep on the moor in spring” terrain tile that has been so lacking, the game was never going anywhere. It’s time to redress those disgraceful shortcomings.

2. Design
It’s not only easy to get ideas from everywhere and everyone else, it’s essential. Historians are already chronicling this phenomenon (c.f. “The Death of Original Thought” by William Hogspawn, Archimedes Press, 2005). Since it’s all been done, sample those elements of the games you enjoy, throw ‘em all together and voila, a gaming gumbo to excite and inspire the masses. Don’t worry unduly about the game mechanics or balance, these can easily be disguised by an attractive interface. Some elements are universally acclaimed, so just pop them in to your nascent TBS (Turn Based Strategy):

- Fog of War (FoW). Without this games simply suck. It also means you can introduce reconnaissance units which are always cool and popular. It’s one of the reasons that smoking is now mandatory at all top chess tournaments.
- Fantasy. It’s important to have a fantasy setting, since statistics show more people prefer orcs and elves to troopers and tanks. It’s also less nerdy and more dinner-party credible.
- Battle animations. People absolutely love these, especially long-term players. Each time they play the game they will gasp in awe at your design prowess. There’s no better way to make your game stand out among the crowd and often they’ll be so enraptured by the spectacle that if, for some bizarrely insecure reason, you feel your work of genius has the odd weak spot, rest assured this will hide the blemishes.
- Slick interface. Like everything today, it’s all about looking good and being popular. Ensure there are as many scrolling, sliding elements as possible along with plenty of pop-up windows. DIstribute your gaming information and action buttons round the gaming screen – doesn’t really matter in which order as long as they are attractively arranged. Cool icons are a must – it’s far more important they look good than give any indication of function.
- Features. Features don’t creep, they stride manfully into the arena. Having more than everyone else means that you are better than everyone else. If game X has 2 different sorts of infantry unit, ensure your game has 3 types – or even 4, if you want it to be twice as good – and so on. “Pile them on and pile them high” should be your motto here.
- Flash. It’s essential you use this showcase platform from Adobe Systems. Not only has this accessible and open technology been universally acclaimed and adopted, the new “battle animation” plugin will mean that most of your work is already done for you. You simply cannot create a non-flash interface with Flash. Once again the Adobe Angels deliver in spades…

3. Development
Programming is ludicrously easy – like lawyers, technicians like to obfuscate simple concepts to protect and promote their standing. Nonetheless, you’ll probably be far too busy being cool and popular to undertake these geeky activities. A better solution is to find a willing developer or three – there are plenty lying around in the forums gagging at the chance to spend their time helping you – so point them in the right direction and watch them go. However, some of these free-thinking nerds occasionally have the temerity to think they have some good ideas too, so remember to step in whenever necessary. If you hear some blather about how this or that won’t be possible or will be difficult and/or expensive, ignore it – they’re trying to fool you for their own egotistical ends.

When it comes to delivery platforms and technologies, it’s now widely known that the WTO, FCC, NASA and the Milk Marketing Board have mandated global iPhone adoption by 2012*, so there’s no point in writing for anything else.

4. Release
Once you finish your game, unleash it on an an unsuspecting public. It won’t be long before it garners the attention it deserves. It will be immediately apparent your game is far worthier than anything else out there.

5.Maintenance and improvements
Occasionally you may want to tinker with your creation, if only out of boredom (as a gaming god you started with perfection). People will marvel at your ability to second guess their inner desires, so there is no need to tell anyone what you’re up to and you can be confident that anything you do will be universally respected and adored. Anyway, the masses are too idle and bored not to welcome the distraction of learning something new, and even if you actually remove features or simply want a bit of change for change’s sake, they will welcome the challenge of working it out for themselves and adjusting to your new vision. Don’t worry if the game is a bit buggy, unfinished or non-operational in places – if you can be bothered to address these down the line, you will look like a messiah of munificence.

5. Stakeholder engagement paradigms
While many gaming gods revel in customer-facing roles, you may want to take a break from the unstinting adulation of your fans and disciples. A blog and email form should do suffice for feedback channels. There’s no need to make them visible or obvious, since the masses will either be trotting out the same old sycophancies or making tired and dull suggestions which don’t accord with your clearly superior vision. Concentrate on attracting new players – you’ve got the ones that are already playing, and it’s not as if they’ll be able to find something better to do with their entertainment spend.

6. Summary and conclusion
Following these simple guidelines will mean that you will be able to pop out several award-winning titles each week, not unlike Michael Moorcock used to do with Elric novels. You’ll be rich, have a hoard of fawning acolytes (some of whom might actually be women), and will have succeeded in your life’s every endeavour. A bientot mon dieu des jeux!

*Except for poor people, foreigners and republicans.

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