The WeeWar Times

PART TWO: GAME BASICS

2.1 Introduction
Never feel intimidated or stupid: Weewar is no more complex than chess to the nth degree with bases, different colors and some other stuff. It is well within the grasp of your average strategically-shaved simian – and you’re better than that. It’s important to remember: firstly it is far cooler than chess (and the sort of thing you can talk about at dinner parties) and secondly, as a bluffer, your primary goal is to give the appearance of expertise rather than demonstrate genuine talent. Nonetheless, you may be required occasionally to play the odd game.

2.2 Points and Ranking.
A good rank is always a satisfying experience. Each rated loss is a slide down the pole of life, each win a healthy leg up. Ignore the wails from those that claim to prefer unranked matches – they’re either a bunch of lily-livered, tree-cuddling pinko commie liberal hippies who probably spend more time helping old ladies across the road than studying the Arts of War, OR, they have read this guide and are buttering you up.

2.3 Sowing the seeds of victory
To quote the old Cheap Trick lyric, “The victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won”. Find or create maps which are subtly but definitely biased and play these incessantly. Try to make as many maps as possible – this makes you look like you’re helping, while actually making it difficult for your opponents to find fair and unbiased maps. If you’re lacking inspiration or creativity, simply copy someone else’s and pretend it’s your own. Extra points are awarded for maps which are risque, suggestive, or downright insane . You can also start games with a weird selection of available units – usually your opponent will be too trusting to check and may plan their strategy with the assumption that all units are available, giving you that extra edge.

2.4 Droning
Creating extra accounts and playing with yourself is a great way to get ‘up there’ by ‘robbing Peter to pay Paul’. Alternate this tactic with joining multiplayer games as several people and pretending you don’t know each other. Don’t make it too obvious – occasionally beat yourself up a bit to make it look realistic. Additionally, grab a few friends and collude to the same effect. Combining these approaches reaps powerful rewards.

2.5 Distracting the opposition
Don’t greet your opponent in a friendly fashion or try to have a conversation – this only makes you look weak and vulnerable. It’s far better to maintain a mysterious silence – except when it’s their move, when you might be able to distract them or break their concentration by asking fatuous questions.

2.6 Intimidating your opponent(s)
To appear knowledgeable in any discipline, it’s important to use the language of the experts at every opportunity. Familiarize yourself with initialisms such as FTA and learn the abbreviations for the units so you can tell your HAs from your HCs in your sleep (if you ever get stuck, I find using bra sizes helps). Don’t capture bases, ‘activate’ them and learn to distinguish between secondary and primary ones (it’s doesn’t matter which is which, just casually slip it into chat sometime). This all serves to intimidate your opponent and make you look clever (you can also use “gg’ ,which means “good grief” to highlight your opponent’s inadequacies, or deflect attention from your own).

2.7 Booting and skipping
Whenever you have the opportunity, skip or boot a player that has exceeded their time limit. That’s part of the game, and if they can’t make their moves on time, they don’t deserve leniency. It’s war, right? Use the skip option to show you are understanding and generous – it’s pretty much the same as booting someone, but looks far more reasonable.

2.8 Playing the game
Sadly, you will need to understand some aspects of the game. Luckily, you don’t need to know much to get along. Don’t believe the so-called ‘experts’ who will suggest that you need to understand terrain modifiers, multipliers, unit capabilities and counters, or the fact that you need to look more than one move ahead. They’re the sort of people who don’t get invited to dinner parties anyway because they’re too busy at home learning the specs sheet verbatim. Instead, build destroyers if you’ve a port, and troopers, raiders and hovercrafts from your land bases. Pretty much every other unit is useless anyway, so don’t bother.

2.9 What to do if you’re losing
In spite of your preparations, you may occasionally find yourself on the back foot. In these situations don’t panic. First, start slowing down your moves right down so that this frustrates your opponent(s). Then start talking about how the map seems to favor them (even if it’s yours), perhaps mentioning mistakes you made because ‘your boss walked in’ or ‘someone came round’. With any luck, your opponents will offer peace out of boredom or sympathy. You can also claim you’re going on holiday for a while, your internet connection will be down for days/weeks/months, or even that your 7-year old son was at your computer for the last move. Use your imagination – there are plenty of options.

Thank you gentle readers! Next installment: Advanced Tips and Tricks

Editor’s note: If you are not a native English speaker, or you are incredibly daft, it may be helpful to note that there are elements of doublespeak, sarcasm, and maybe a few other literary devices I can’t remember the name of, in CCC’s superb post