The WeeWar Times

Editor’s Note: This post is from WeeWar User CaptainCupCake, and is the first of hopefully many to come so be sure to check the author on future posts. CCC’s view MAY or may not be the views held by The WeeWar Times, it’s parent company, or any baked goods we have laying about:

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Tired of getting Weewar sand kicked in your face? Embarrassed at dinner parties when the After Eight mints are handed round and talk turns to the game? Feel inadequate that you can’t keep your ranking up? This is the guide for you.

Remember: Weewar, like life, is a struggle for ascendancy and a continual fight to delay the inevitable. We’re all losers in the end…

PART ONE: YOU AND THE COMMUNITY

1.1 Choosing your Weewar username
Pick a name which is suitably belligerent and aggressive: it’s a wargame, not a lovefest. Names like Warmaker and General_Death will strike fear into opponents before the game has started. Pick a name like FluffyBunny or CaptainCupCake and your opponents will subject you to derision and general community humiliation. If you can’t do belligerent, do evil and if you can’t do evil do mysterious, and so on. Just try to stop before you reach Flower_Hugger.

1.2 Profile Information
Never give out any useful personal information on the internet. Avoid putting your time zone, playing preferences, map information or useful links in your profile. Instead, use it to conduct running feuds with community members and maintain blacklists of lamers, spongers and ne’er-do-wells. Or anyone you don’t like or who may be a little bit different than you.

1.3 Interacting with the community
Now you’re safely hidden behind your warlike identity, you can interact with the rest of the community with impunity. Remember to uphold national stereotypes and ridicule foreigners at every opportunity. Blame losses on biased maps or real life distractions – preferably moving the issue to the game forums for peer validation. Try to derail useful, informative threads where possible – this is only going to help out the opposition – and that’s everyone else. I find limericks or puns work for me, but each to his or her own. Jealously hoard whatever knowledge you have of the game for the same reason.

1.4 Getting noticed
In the age of ‘X Factor’, popularity counts for more than talent. Take care to build up your PreferredBys – it’s important that this exceeds your Preferred, so you can look important and popular. Of course, these people are also your opponents and enemies, so it’s important to lie, fawn, wheedle and ingratiate at every opportunity. If necessary, let them win a few unranked games (where it doesn’t matter) to lull them into a false sense of security and friendship. Above all, remember if you’re not number one, you should be and act accordingly!

That’s all for this week folks. Next week: Part Two – Game Basics

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